My Vision
for China

Singles Pastor

The Christmas party had been a failure . . . at least, in Bret's opinion. Out of 40 single adults on the church membership rolls, only 10 had shown up. Bret felt bad that his wife Mary had spent three days baking the cakes, cookies and other snacks and even preparing party sandwiches and all kinds of finger food, only to have it barely touched by the small group that had come. Why hadn't all 40 come? Why hadn't they brought dates or friends? He had purposely phoned each person and found out which date in December everyone had free for a party, and he had invited each of them personally to come to the party. What was he doing wrong?

He picked up his well-worn Guide to Singles Ministry that he had read three times all the way through and had referred back to countless times. He immediately found the familiar page that had informed him,

The three Black-letter dates on a single's calendar are Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving Day, and Christmas. Be sure to plan activities for your singles group at these times.

That's what he had tried to do! On the second Saturday in February they always had their snow weekend. The Saturday after Thanksgiving was a big barbecue at his house. And, this year the Christmas party had been on December 13th, an inconvenient time for him and his wife, but it had fit the schedule of all of the singles. For the past five years he had given of himself in every way he knew to help the singles of the church, but he seemed to be further from them now than the first few weeks after his arrival.

He looked at the calendar on his desk. Just looking at all the special programs through the Christmas seasons discouraged him: Christian school programs that his children were in, the Christmas party for the Sunday school class of married people his age, the church's Christmas outreach program, the choir's cantata. He felt like running away but knew he had to have a heart of service and go to all of these. And then there was the singles' New Year's party. After all the work he and Mary would put into it, would the singles come to it?

He decided he needed to work some more on the Singles Sunday School lesson and reached for his Bible. His spirits rose a little because he really liked the series he was going through: Preparing for Marriage. This week the module was on "Meeting the other person's needs." Bret liked this topic because it was something he could speak on from his experience. He paused to look up at Mary's large picture on his desk. Yes, she was a wonderful wife.

Sunday morning, as Bret stood at the front of the classroom arranging his notes, he heard a small commotion outside the classroom. Betty, a woman Bret considered to be rather abrasively outspoken, was voicing her opinion quite loudly to a group of women about to enter the room.

"The teacher of the Homebuilders class wouldn't let me stay and study Galatians with them. I told him that I was sick of 'Preparing for Marriage' but he wouldn't let me stay. We had this in high school and again in college and career days. Why do we have to listen to this again? I mean, why don't they have me teach the married women a class in 'Preparing for Singleness' since a lot of them will be widowed one day?"

There were some embarrassed giggles as the ladies moved into the classroom, and Betty followed them and found a seat in the back of the classroom, her sour expression betraying her total disappointment at being in Bret's class.

Bret found that his eloquence was muted that morning. Even though he passionately believed that marriage was a wonderful gift of God, he felt as if he were speaking to stones. He wished he could teach the singles how to think of the other person and meet that person's needs. If they could learn this lesson now, their marriages would be happier and richer. He surprised himself by finishing early and dismissing the class to go to the sanctuary for the morning service.

At lunch that day, he found great encouragement as his son Bobby excitedly talked about his junior-high Sunday school class's part in the upcoming Christmas Outreach Program. Sarah, his eight-year-old quoted the three Bible verses she was going to say in the Christian school program. He couldn't help thinking, If only the singles in his group could have the chance to be married and have children like this. He wanted so much to be God's instrument in bringing this kind of joy to them.

Sunday evening after church, he heard Jason Stark, one of his singles, shouting across the church lobby to another single man, "Pete, I'll see you at the Johnsons'." Bret immediately asked Jason, "What's happening at the Johnsons'?"

Jason looked blankly at Bret as if even he didn't know the answer to that question, "I don't know, we're just going over there to hang out." With that, he turned and walked out the door.

Bret knew the Johnsons, a couple whose grown children had all moved out of the community. They were faithful members of the congregation not known for any special talents, but they seemed always to have guests in their home--oftentimes invited, and oftentimes uninvited. Bret wondered why Jason and Pete--and likely others--would be going over to the Johnsons' house even though there was nothing planned.

Monday morning, Bret attended the 8:00 staff meeting that included all five of the pastors of the church, the full-time maintenance man, and three secretaries. The senior pastor seemed to be in a hurry as he began, "I'm going to try to keep this short today because we all have a lot to do at this busy time. The main thing I wanted to bring up is Chet's idea to have a Family Ski Outing at New Year's. There's still time to inform everyone. What do you think?"

Everyone nodded except for Bret. "We always have a singles' party on New Year's Eve," he protested.

The senior pastor was energetically positive as usual, "Bring them along! Young people love to ski. We can all leave from the church on the morning of the 31st and will come back on the evening of the 2nd."

Bret looked carefully at the senior pastor's few gray hairs and thought of many in the singles group that were older than he. Why did the pastor refer to the singles as "young people"?

It seemed all settled. Bret acquiesced to the group's decision, and made a mental note to change what he had written on his calendar.

Wednesday evening when the congregation split up to pray and the singles gathered in their Sunday school room, Bret announced that the singles New Year's Party would be replaced by the Family Ski Outing. A deadness settled immediately over the room. He tried to liven things up a bit, "Jason, you like to ski don't you? And Pete, didn't you win some kind of ski competition when you were a teenager?" Jason looked dazed as he responded, "Why are they replacing a singles activity with a family one? Why don't they want us to have a party?"

Bret didn't quite understand Jason's question, "They are inviting you along because they thought you would enjoy skiing. It's an outing for the whole church. Why don't you come along?"

Jason still had that dazed look in his eyes, "But it's an outing for families. They don't mean for us to come." He turned around and asked the woman behind him, "You think the Johnsons would let us come over to their house that night? I don't think they'll go skiing, do you?"

Bret was dumbfounded. He had planned a party for the singles; the senior pastor had invited the singles to come on a ski trip; and a healthy, athletic man would rather go hang out at the Johnsons' house? Why were singles so hard to understand?

The Christmas season flew by in a whirl. Bret loved the season with its emphasis on family and savored the special times he got to spend with Mary and the kids. He loved all of the songs that spoke of being home for Christmas and sharing in the joys of the season with family. Mary encouraged him by pointing out that a third of the choir on the Cantata night were single people. She pointed out that some of the single women from his Sunday school class taught in the Christian school and had done a fine job of preparing their students for the Christmas program. She reminded him that for this program they had likely spent many hours outside of class beyond their preparation for teaching. As he had come out of the school program, he had been surprised to find Jason and Pete in the parking lot. They had agreed to direct traffic and do parking lot guard duty during the program since they didn't have any kids. He felt proud of his singles. And, as he thought about the canceled New Year's Party, he was happy that Mary didn't have to do all the usual preparation for it, and he could relax and just go on the ski trip with everyone else. But would the singles come?

December 31, he got on the bus and looked over the group. The only singles that came were some college kids whose parents came on the trip also. Disappointment and frustration filled his mind. Here was a great activity that singles could participate in, but they didn't show up.

As he and Mary rode the ski lift on New Year's Day, he asked her, "What do you think the singles are doing today?"

Mary replied, "Didn't Jason say something about going to the Johnsons' house?"

"Yeah," Bret suddenly remembered. "Why do you think they always go over there? You and I plan great activities for them, and hardly anyone shows up, but they seem to love to go to the Johnsons'. What can we do to get them to stop going there and start coming to our activities?"

Mary gave a simple suggestion, "Why don't we go over to the Johnsons' too. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" Her laugh rang out through the still cold air.

Bret was shocked at her suggestion. But he couldn't think of a reason to disagree. Maybe he could stop by the Johnsons and just ask them what they believed they were doing right.

On the Saturday after New Year's Bret phoned the Johnsons. "Hi, Ted, this is Bret. I was wondering whether you might be free sometime this weekend that I could stop by to visit you."

"Sure, Bret, come over anytime." Bret was amazed at the way Ted's voice sounded encouraging and yet not pushy. "You could come right now if you want. We aren't doing anything special."

Bret said he would be right over and went straight to his car. The ten-minute trip made Bret more and more nervous until he broke out into a sweat in spite of the cold temperature outside, and he knocked on the Johnsons' door.

When Ted opened the door, Bret went inside and went through the normal pleasantries with him and his wife Frieda. He couldn't help feeling a twinge of jealousy when he saw two of his singles in the Johnsons' den watching a video. He tried to think of more friendly conversation, but he couldn't, so he burst out with the direct question, "How do you do it?"

Ted and Frieda said nothing, waiting for Bret to explain his question. Bret thought a minute and realized what he had said and then explained, "I notice that the singles really like coming over to your house. They like to come here after church; some come here for holidays; and I see now two are here on a Saturday. What do you do to encourage them to come?"

Ted and Frieda looked at each other and then Ted replied, "We don't do anything. They just come. I guess we have invited them over for ice cream so many times that now they invite themselves over." Frieda smiled. "Some come just because they feel lonely in their apartments, and others come because they want to watch a video that we have. We don't plan anything for them--after all, they are all adults and very resourceful. Did you know that Jason can quote poetry?"

Bret was surprised. Athletic Jason knew poetry?

Frieda laughed and reminisced, "Jason doesn't know any serious poetry, just silly rhymes. He has us all in stitches with the one about the purple cow!" She lowered her voice and imitated Jason's voice, "I can tell you anyhow, I'd rather see than be one." Ted and Frieda both laughed out loud.

"Did any of the singles come over on New Year's Day?" Bret tried to mask his disappointment and jealousy.

Ted didn't seem surprised by the question at all. "Oh yes, quite a few came. They were in and out all day long. Maybe a total of 20 or so of them showed up at some time in the day. They said there was nothing planned at church except for families, so they said they wanted to come over."

A burst of anger shot through Bret. "Nothing planned!" How could the singles say that? He stayed silent until the anger subsided, and then he asked, "Didn't they know about the ski outing?"

Ted explained calmly, "They told me the ski outing was for families, so they didn't feel welcome."

Bret was annoyed. "No, the outing was for the whole church. We welcomed everyone. I specifically invited the singles. I don't see why they thought they weren't welcome."

"In church we heard it was a Family Ski Outing. Maybe that's why the singles didn't feel welcome," Ted offered.

Finally Bret understood. The singles had been turned off by the name of the outing. No matter how directly and repeatedly he might have invited them, they would have balked at the activity being called a "Family" outing.

"We meant it for the whole church," Bret complained, "that's why we called it a'family' outing. We meant that it was for every age group. What else could we call an activity if we meant it to be for the whole church?"

Frieda looked at Ted and then suggested, "What if you called it a Church outing?"

Bret was stunned at the simplicity of Frieda's suggestion. The singles had thought a'family' outing was for families. Maybe if future activities were called 'church' activities, the singles would feel included.

Bret sudden understanding made him feel unusually open, "May I share something with you? I am quite discouraged about the singles ministry. I plan all kinds of activities for the singles, and then they don't come. What do you think I could do differently?"

Ted seemed a bit hesitant to say anything, but then he said something that shocked Bret, "What some of them were talking about is that they wish you would plan activities for holidays that are celebrated as families--like Thanksgiving and Christmas--or for the day they like least every year--Valentine's Day." Bret wanted to get really angry, but he realized that Ted was not criticizing him, "But I DO plan activities for them on those exact three holidays. I try to look out for them and their interests and go to a lot of planning and work to do so!"

Ted was a bit surprised at Bret's energetic remark and looked at Frieda before continuing. "Did you have something on Christmas day? The singles that came over here that day said there was nothing planned."

Bret shook his head in disgust. "I planned a special Christmas activity for them on December 13. I made sure everyone had that day free--and that was hard to do. And my wife cooked for three days. And then very few people showed up!"

Ted looked confused. "So you didn't have anything on Christmas day, but you had a Christmas activity for them December 13. Why didn't you have the Christmas activity for them on Christmas day?"

Bret thought his answer was too obvious to have to say, but he forced the words out anyway, "I spent Christmas day with my family."

Ted paused, began to say something and then hesitated. Then he took a breath and said what he was thinking, "What if next time you celebrated with your family on another day, and held an activity on Christmas day itself? You could do the same on Valentine's Day itself and on Thanksgiving day?"

Bret sat there for a bit, letting Ted's words sink in. He thought back on his Guide to Singles Ministry and realized he had been misinterpreting it whole time. The singles didn't need him to hold a Christmas party--they were adults that could plan their own. What they needed was someplace to go on Christmas day so they wouldn't be homesick for their families far away.

Bret was feeling more and more admiration for Ted and Frieda and their effectiveness among the singles. He decided to venture one more question, "I really feel for these single people--they don't have spouses to care for them, and I feel much more sorry for the women because of the unequal ratio of men to women. I really want to help them get married and enjoy the families that we married people have. But they just don't seem interested in my lessons on preparing for marriage. Do you think they are single because they don't want to be married?"

Ted and Frieda both smiled knowingly, "I don't think you need to feel sorry for them," Ted began to explain. "They are a great bunch of people that enjoy life a lot. But I think almost every one of the singles we know would really like to be married. We hear all kinds of discussion about their ideas and plans and wishes regarding marriage. They ask us all kinds of questions too. But, what we think is really great about this bunch of singles is that they have an even stronger desire to know God. They really want to learn the Bible and know what God has to say about their whole lives, not just their relationship with the opposite sex. Have you ever taught a book of the Bible in Sunday School . . . like Isaiah, or Romans?"

Bret was taken back that Ted could keep saying such surprising things. "But we want them to get married, don't we?"

Ted was gentle in his response, "We don't know what God's plan for them is. He may lead them to marriage; He may not. What we know is that God wants to draw them to Himself and reveal Himself to them and fill their lives with His spirit, His glory, and His joy. I think the singles hunger most for that."

Bret felt a yearning in his own heart and suggested, "Ted, would you consider teaching a series in our singles Sunday school class? I think they would love it, and I would too."

Ted's eyes grew big, and he looked helplessly at Frieda. "But Bret--Sunday school--I've never taught that. I wouldn't know what to say!"

Bret shook his head in total disbelief. How could Ted be totally unaware of his own eloquence and spiritual depth? "Ted, would it be all right if I came over sometimes when the singles hang out here? I would really like to get to know them the way you do."

Frieda spoke up cheerily, "Bret, come anytime. We welcome everyone."

Bret rose to leave, said his goodbyes at the door, and drove home. He couldn't wait to tell Mary what he had learned from the Johnsons.